"When you say yes to someone else, make sure you’re not saying no to yourself."
Paulo Coelho (Brazilian lyricist and novelist)
What is people pleasing?
Why do people become people pleasers?
Common signs of a people pleaser
Six strategies to help you stop being a people pleaser

I haven’t written a blog for a while. Although there were many times my inner bully whispered that I should, I chose to sit with that feeling rather than surrender to it. My relationship with my inner bully hasn’t always been an easy one. Though she still makes her voice heard, I now prefer to listen to my inner compassionate friend.
I remember sitting at my nan’s kitchen table as a child, watching her curl her hair. She used the most basic tools: simple rollers, bobby pins, and a small brown mirror propped against a cup. Despite their simplicity, her hair always looked immaculate. But what amazed me most about my nan was her wisdom. She didn’t sweat the small stuff or worry about what others thought of her.
As I approach my middle years, I’ve come to realise that wisdom is often a virtue acquired through the integration of knowledge, experience, and life lessons. My nan certainly had her share of those. Growing up, my happiest moments were spent at my grandparents’ house. There was comfort in its simplicity - from watching my nan curl her hair to making tents in the garden with her best yellow coat. Those moments offered an escape from the trauma that engulfed my childhood home.
Though I could write a book about my childhood and its impact, I’ve emerged from that journey with therapeutic insight and the love of my new family. I’m incredibly happy now, and I want to use this blog to share what I’ve learned about my tendency to people please: recognising triggers and managing them effectively.
What is people pleasing?
Have you ever found yourself saying yes when you really wanted to say no? Or agreeing with others’ opinions instead of expressing your own? Do you often take on extra commitments or favours for friends?
On the surface, people pleasing might seem like a positive trait. After all, it’s nice to make others happy and be a good friend or loved one. However, there’s a significant difference between being thoughtful and being a people pleaser. Healthy relationships are balanced and include boundaries. People pleasers, however, often overextend themselves by over-helping, overcommitting, and over listening. This cycle of unhelpful altruism can lead to self-destructive consequences, including self-neglect, stress, anxiety, depression, loss of identity, resentment, and anger.
Why do people become people pleasers?
There are many reasons why people develop people pleasing tendencies. For some, it stems from low self-worth and the belief that they need to go above and beyond to be likeable. Others may have learned from past experiences that people pleasing helps avoid conflict, judgement, or abandonment.
Common signs of a people pleaser
Difficulty saying no, even when it’s something you don’t want to do or lack the time and resources for.
Overcommitting to work, social plans, and favours for others.
Neglecting personal needs and well-being in favour of helping others.
Low self-esteem and heightened concern or anxiety about others’ opinions.
Guilt when prioritising oneself or saying no.
Over apologising, even when no wrongdoing has occurred.
Six strategies to help you stop being a people pleaser
Understanding ourselves is one of the most crucial first steps to creating meaningful change. It’s essential to develop an awareness of the patterns behind our unhelpful behaviours and the motivations driving them. For me, people pleasing was a symptom of my dysfunctional childhood. From an incredibly young age, I internalised the need to avoid adding to the existing conflict between my parents. I became conditioned to conform to the expectations imposed by my parents and extended family - to behave, excel in school, and, most importantly, to always be strong and supportive for others.
This constant effort to meet external expectations caused my own needs and feelings to be neglected and forgotten. My low self-esteem and sense of worth compounded these challenges, leaving me feeling insecure around my peers. Desperate to be liked and accepted, I made myself constantly available to others. I didn’t feel "good enough," so I prioritised their needs over my own as a way to shield myself from potential rejection.
Through my therapeutic journey, however, I’ve learnt to manage my people pleasing tendencies and recognise the importance of validating my own needs. Breaking free from the cycle of people pleasing takes time and can feel overwhelming at first. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this process.
Keep a trigger diary
Use a journal to identify situations that evoke your people pleasing tendencies. Note the circumstances, thoughts, and feelings involved. Over time, you may notice patterns that will help you better manage these triggers.
Seek professional support
A counsellor or psychotherapist can help you uncover the root causes of your people pleasing behaviour and learn to develop healthier coping strategies. Therapy can also help you address underlying issues such as low self-esteem, fear of rejection, or fear of judgment.
Learn to set and maintain boundaries
Setting boundaries protects your well-being and reflects self-respect. While it may feel daunting initially, remember that true friends and loved ones will respect your boundaries. Boundaries allow you to balance your needs with those of others.
Recognise and prioritise your needs
Before saying yes, consider whether doing so aligns with your own needs and values. Saying no doesn’t make you selfish—it’s an affirmation of self-care and self-respect. Prepare responses in advance to feel more confident, such as:
“I’m busy this time, but I will help next time if I can.”
“Thank you for considering me, but I already have plans.”
“I’d really love to join, but I already have other commitments”
Stop over apologising
Unless you’ve genuinely done something wrong, there’s no need to apologise. Over apologising can undermine your self-worth and send the wrong message to others. Practice saying no without apology. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.
Challenge your inner bully
Pay attention to your inner critical voice. Question whether its messages are based on facts or fears. Look for evidence to support or contradict these thoughts. What would you tell a friend in your situation? Offer yourself the same kindness and compassion you would probably find easy to give to them. For more guidance make time to read my blog ‘The Importance of Self-Compassion’.
Final thoughts
Saying no is okay, especially if saying yes comes at the expense of your well-being. The process may feel difficult at first, but over time and with practice, it becomes easier and more empowering. Celebrate your progress and the authenticity and assertiveness you gain along the way.
"The most compassionate people have the most boundaries."
Brené Brown (American professor and researcher)
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